I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
