Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
