My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize