Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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