Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
