I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
