I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
