I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
