I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
