we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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