u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
