Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
