you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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