How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
