and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
