Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
