If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
