I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
