guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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