I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
