I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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