Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
