I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
