I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
