if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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