Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
