They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
