Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
