So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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