meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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