I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
So apparently I’m into choking now
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