I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
