Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
