I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
