Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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