A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I will pee on everything he values.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize