He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
