Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
