roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize