Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
