thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
