she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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