Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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