also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
