Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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