I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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