I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize