Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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