i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
