dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
