My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
