There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
