Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
