I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
