not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
