I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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